Friday night. The weekend is finally here and I’ve finished dinner and I’m vegging on the couch watching Netflix. I know, I’m pretty much a wild and crazy party animal. I’m not quite ready to go to bed yet, I stay up like an hour past my bedtime on the weekends which is usually 9:30. Again, party animal.
And it happens.
That little nagging voice in the back of my head. You want to eat something, Katie. You want to munch on something salty, crunchy, sweet, whatever you can get your hands on. You want to keep reaching your hand into the bowl or bag or whatever large vessel you can fill. You want to keep eating even though you’re not really hungry, you’re just bored.
Every weekend is the same routine. I know it’s coming. I know exactly what will happen. I’ll pretend like I can’t hear that annoying little voice, but I know I will eventually give in. Because I don’t have any control over this situation. I have no power here. I’m stuck and always will be.
Nope. That is so not true. I’ve tricked myself into thinking that I can’t beat this habit. That it is somehow a part of my being, the way I am put together, and there is no fighting it. It is so much easier to stay stuck and feign that I’m weak against that little voice. That voice that is really just me.
I’ve gotten into the habit of telling others that they have the motivation and willpower they need to overcome situations like this when it comes to their health. But I’ve somehow convinced myself it doesn’t apply to me. Pot calling the kettle black much?
I can say no. I have total control over my own thoughts and feelings and emotions. I know this because I have done it before. There are days when I lack the motivation to go for a run or workout just because I’m lazy. But I’m able to power through those roadblocks and do what I know is best for me. So I know this isn’t a problem of not being able to exert control over my bad habits.
It’s me being a whiny baby and not WANTING to change. Some weird part of me finds comfort in those late night binges. It’s a way to be that person I was so many years ago when my whole day was a binge of unhealthy food.
I’ve talked before about how change is scary and hard for me, but it’s something I should embrace. I’ve talked about how motivation is something that has to be renewed every day. Well, it’s time to stop just talking about it and actually do it. Because I’m tired of letting a little voice control a part of me. A bad habit doesn’t get to dictate what I do.
So there it is out in the open. My little secret, my stuck-in-a-rut problem for everyone to see. Sure, it’s a little nerve-wracking to share it with the whole internet, but I know I’m not the only one who struggles with things like this. I’m human and even though health and food and all that is “my thing” I still have setbacks and things to work on. I probably always will, but it’s better to face them with the help and support of others rather than alone late at night.
You can. Of course you can. I can too.